


Cory Cory Cory in the Hooooouse

by lili_does_stuff



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Am i okay?????, Are you okay???, Crack, Crack Fic, Ghost smoking, Gratuitous Cory Baxter references and even an appearance, IT DOES GET SORTA NSFW SO UMMMM BE WARY, If youre into that, M/M, Oops, Paddington, Why the fuck are you into that, Yes the bear, dont be upset with me after reading it, dont come for me, fuck me dude im ashamed, hmmm, i wrote this is 15 minutes at 6 am, if you think this fic is sexy you best be seeing a therapist yo, its not exactly sad so, its sexual but nothimg sexy actually happens, please read my garbage, purposefully bad spelling, this is a heinous amount of tags isnt it, tw: use of the words asian fusion tush, why am I only good at crack fics and venting, why is this crap my second fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-06-13 11:15:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15363396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lili_does_stuff/pseuds/lili_does_stuff
Summary: Some fuckin boys get heckin scared and thats IT I PROMISE!Jesus fucking christ I'm so sorry.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> They say that at the pearly gates, Jesus reviews your sins before allowing you entrance.  
> My first goal here is to ensure I don't get in. My second is to get Jesus to read a shitty BFU fanfic.  
> Uh. This is weird.  
> Enjoy

"This week on our fuckin show we look at the home of the late great Cory in the House."  
"Ryan, that was the White House."  
"Okay well I suppose we'll just check out this rotting mansion in the middle of butt-fuck Virginia."

°°°  
"Oof!!"  
"Woah hey there tall legs, why doncha watch where you're walking" Ryan said, in response to Shane thwacking his fucking face against a doorframe. Shane coughed up a little blood from god knows where and gave him a smile. "Yu kno I was just distracted looking at your sweet little asian fusion tush," Shane said woth a wink. Bergara the Brave lit up seven different colors. "Shane senpai you baka, dont talk about my babby bottom in front of the death clouds," Ryan said fRowning.  
Shane just chuckled and threw up more blood before waltzing over to Ryan, throwing a table out the way with his ungodly muScLES. Ryan ooohed and aaahed in response to Shane's display of strength. Before long, daddy Shane had Ryan pinned against the wall, one hand snakin around to get a little pat pat at that yummy ass. Ryan closed his eyes and bluuuuushed puRple. "Mm! Dad d y noOooo not in front of the ghosts!!!" Ryan moaned. He faced the camera. "This is so inappropriate!!"  
Shane licked his blood soaked lips and coughed a little more, leaning down to fuck Ryan's mouth with his own. "SENPAI!!" Ryan yelled, trying to resist the temptation of his spider-like friend with a probably large ding dong. "Shane we really shouldn't-"

A door somewhere in the house slammed shut. Both boys stood stock still, frozen, and turned to look at their doorway. It was eerily silent except for the occasional blood-cough from Shane. Another door, one closer to them slammed shut!!  
The boys made eye contact, nodded, and screamed, skedaddling straight the fuck outta the ghostie house and out into the yard as the masion literally fucking collasped behind them. They stared in awe at the wreckage and it caught on fucking fire. They roasted the marshmallows Shane keeps in his hair for emergencies and lamented on the fact that Mark was probably still inside and might be dead. Shane took a bite of his blood soaked marshmallow and coughed, saying "yknow bitchgara, we never finished dangalangin." Ryan smiled sweetly and said "oh Shaniac, if only there was someone who loved you." Then Ryan fucking stabbed Shane with his marshmallow stick in the lung and Shane remembered that this had all happened in the past and Shane was reliving it as a ghost in the mansion.  
Suddenly Cory Baxter rolled up to the mansion in his limo and said to Shane "woAh what happened to you was wiggity whack so I'm gonna fuck your murderer and you can watch you kinky fuck-hole" and so Cory Baxter fucking destroyed Ryan Bergara's asshole so bad that Ryan bled to death and joined Shane in the after life. He turned to Shane with a blood smile and said, "you see, commie fucker? Ghosts ARE real." 

They unlived happily ever after.

The End.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Corbert in the general vicinity of the home -  
> The sequel I know you wanted but were too pussy to comment for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more saucy shit, this time a lot more cynical and sarcastic, probably because I threw up three hours ago and am very tired. I hope you read this garbage

"Sure is dandy for our ghosts to be out here at this here mansion here," Ryan said, trying to get Shane to stop frowning at him. But Shane could not stop frowning. He was medically incapable. His lips were on the fucking floor. No I'm serious. Stop laughing. I'm not even kidding, here's a picture.  
Haha!  
There's no picture.  
"Well maybe if you didnt fucking merc me like a year ago we'd still have fucking bodies that we could be alive and fuck with!" Shane yelled, very loudly, but he was dead, so no one heard him, except for Ryan and our boy Cory Baxter.  
"Hey," berganda warned. "At least you died of a clean murder. Our Unsolved fans think I went out getting fucking molested by some famous meme. Which, albeit, is pretty fucking baller." Ryan seceded from the Union. They stayed awake not only Friday and Saturday, but Sunday too! Just staying awake glaring at each other because the other was the reason they were dead. Ryan totally deserved it though #shaniac.   
Ryan sighed through his nose (the true sign of a sociopath) and swiveled his pale but dark because representation head over to Shane, making eye contact before saying "you wanna swivel our ghost dicks around in each other's ghost butt?" And of cOURSE Shane said "fyck yeah."  
°°°  
They'd done the dirty somehow, dont fucking ask me about ghost anatomy I've never fucked a ghost. They did that post-coital deel stare before Ryan whipped out another fucking knife and stabbed Shane but this time he wasn't fucking hurt because he's fucking dead where the hell have you been. He whispered into Shane's ear, "my kink is killing you, my ghost dick is rock hard rn" and Shane whispered back "that's weird considering you didnt kill me just now and also you've ghost nutted seven times now" Ryan "tight butthole" Bergara rolled his eyes back into his head sort of like a demon and also hey, maybe exactly like a demon and that's strange, Ryan is now a demon. Shane thought "well, the ghost thing being real was an annoying but good surprise, the demon thing just makes this baloney sandwich with whipped cream instead of mayo," he thought to himselves. All four of himselves. Ryan gurgled in some sexy demonic way and Shane asked "now that you're a demon can you set me free from this mortal coil" and Ryans sadi "whaaaaaat no I dont wanna" and Shane sighed and said "well this is the shittiest wedding anniversary I've ever had,"  
Barnyard gave him a strange look. "This is the only weddingg anniversary you've had, I killed you on our wedding night."  
Shane leaned back in his chair, pondering.  
"Why by golly that's right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dunnnnn  
> Watch out next whenever I feel like it for chapter!!! Threeeeee


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the worst one but I might come back and revise it to be funnier when I fucking feel like it leave me alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the crewndis discord server for supporting me in all my endeavors even though I've known them for like 4 hours.  
> Y'all're the shit

"You never listen to me fuckface!" Shane yelped when Ryan was doing his daily demon thing trying to bring Mark's soul from his dead body and turn it into a ghost so this story can have another character.   
Ryan sighed in latin, "you want me to listen to you when you look like that, assmuncher?" Shane looked himself up and down and put his ghost hands on his ghost hips ghostly in ghost defense. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WAY I LOOK?! HANNAH MONTANA WAS AN ICON BACK IN MY DAY!" His blonde™ wig swished when he sharted, and he looked sort of like a textbook pedophile, the kind you tell you kids to avoid but they already do bc he looks fuckign creepy why would you talk to him?? Ryan glared in latin from his demon circle thingy and spoke without moving his mouth (seriously what the fuck) "maybe if you'd mmmmlet me tap that ass I'd fucking listen to you" and Shane scOffed, saying "PLEASE bootygara we alL know I'm the dominos in this relationship" and then gestured towards his peener and made his arms stretch out in front of him, then gestured towards ryland and made a little pinch with his finger tips. Ryan's demony powers lifted him in the air and floated him over to zhsnae and spoke "well if you'd stop cutting my ghost dick off every three and a half days while I'm not looking we wouldn't have that probelm" they both turned towards the camera like they were in the office (This is creepy, why are they staring at me).   
After a good 8 mile.. That was so funny someone call the fucking police.  
Really  
Please help me  
Im choking  
I cant-  
...  
...  
...  
After some time they snapped out of their starin and carin to see a limo in the distance.  
"Maybe it's famous sous chef and party clown Cory B Baxter!!" shane cheered. Ryan stabbed him with hus ghost knife and hissed in latin "fucker he's the one who fucked me dead i thought we were married you dickcicle" shane :thinking:'d it. "Oh yeah..."  
They didnt have anymore time to thinl about who it cohld be when a little paw stepped out from the limo and bladegara realized it was his one and only true love,   
Paddington the bear.  
"Well shane" ryan said, literally not sad, like a fucking sociopath, "we're getting a divorce" Shane looked aghastation. Haha. "But Shyan!! Til part do us death!!" Ryan pouted in latin "hhhhhhhhhhhhh buT PADDINGTON" and then Shane hard an idea. When Paddington was walking over ti greet them for god knows why, what the fuck is he doing here, shane took Ryan's ghost knife and stabbed the shit out of Paddington, and Ryan ressurected Paddington's ghost soul.   
"NOW WE CNA FUCKA BEAR" "Bitchgara you already were fucking a bear uwu" ryan sneezed in latin "wow shut the fu ck up shane" and they fucked Paddington super hard or whatever is was a great threesome.  
The next morning they were all smoking ghost cigarettes (dont fucking come for me) and shane started crying out of nowhere and ryan got all concerned and shti "whast wrong hubby lubby ding dong my sweet angel baby who I killed" ryan said, gently stabbing Shane with his ghost knife. Shane looked at Ryan with bloody tears because I dont expect ghosts to cry real tears and sniffled in english. "We haven't celebrated our two year anniversary!! We died here two whole ass years ago BBGunBergara!!!" Ryan petted shanes hair, pulling out stray ghost marshmallows (again, dont fucking come for me) and tenderly stabbing shane in the throat, whispering "you should let me fuck you you should let me fuck you you should let me fuck you" and finally zshane relented and Ryan pounded his ass until nightfall but honestly time is a construct when you're dead so whatever, and Paddington watched, recording everything and sending it to Cory Baxter so he could jerk off in the White House.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The the end


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4  
> The bois are back  
> Credit to Pam for those few parts (luh yo bihh)

It was a sunny day in Phillydelphia, and Ryan and Shane were wqlking aroudn, sipping margaritas, qs you do in Philly, when the spooted another couple on the side of the street. The couple waved, and Ryan and shane decided to go say hello!!!!!!! As they crossed the street, a car came flYING at them and literally just fuckin ran them over. And they died.

~~~

Shane woke up in cold sweet. His face was gay in the bad sense,and his ears were alert, physically, kinda like a cat, so maybe he's a furry now uwo. Water poured off his head, even though he was a ghost  and therefore shouldn't sweat, but what the fuck ever it's my story don't fucking come for me. He turned to shake Ryan awake but was greeted to the sight of Rynee balls deep in Paddington the Bear.

"I crave death," Shane said, fairly gay. "Well, today's your lucky day," said ryan, fucking Paddington fucking hard dude so fucking hard. Shane sighed. "Can't you do that somewhere else?????" Ryand flared his winga and sneered at Hsnae, ripping his wig off and flinging it at Shane. "No you fucking dingaling we're bound to this collapsed building remember, you absolute assbutt fuck head"

Soddenly!!! A bright white tight (kinky) light appeared, and Jeuss Crust himsf yeeted out kf the clouds. He landed in the ground with a thud and rolled out of it straight into a standing position, bc he's jesus he do whatever he wnts. Shane and ryan clenched their buttholes in awe. 

Jesus spoke: "hey fuckers, it's me J-dog, here to offer you some beating hearts."  
Ryan, the double albino, Burgergara interrupted. "Who's beating hearts? Because I want Jennifer Lopez's." Jesus lokked a lil dumbfounded by this question, and shane got a lil weirded out.

"Uhm, yours, dont ask weird questions lile that k thnx bye." Ryan and Shanr let out little "oh" sounds. Dr. Jeuss clapped his hands to clear the awkwardness.   
"alright ghost bitches, heres the dealio. I will transport you to the white house, but first, atest to make sure you understan all living things matter. Here is a turtle. He is an good boy. PLEASE DO NOT MURDER THE TURTLE.  
He is yoyr test of responsibility. I'll see y'all in like 2 hours. If you havnt killed him in that time, I'll teleport you. If you do kill him, oh well, I'll teleport you but I'll be very disappointed."

In a flash of light, jesus christ superstar, our lord and saviour, was gone. Ryan's whole bofy was shooketh and Shane had to get down on his knees and suck ryans dick to make him calm down. After that, they inspected the turtle.

They held Sir Turtlington the 3rd closely in their hands, sobbing about how cute he was. "We can't have him forever," Shane said, sniffling. Ryan smiled at Shane, tears in his eyes. "Dont worry, I have a solution," pulling out his trust ghost knife.  

"wow, ryan. this is a lot of pressure. we can't disappoint jesus christ!" Shane cried. Ryan rolled his eyes, "we've been disappointing jesus since this fic began, do you think i'm gonna stop now" and with that he stabbed sir turtlington the third 74 times in the shell and a ghost turtle appeared before them, execept now he had a beard, because i want him to have a beard, get off my back mom. The ghost turle spoke. 

"You dumb motherfuckers what the fuck, jesus said not to kill me, are you fucking stupie you pieces of dog shit" shane leaned over to whisper in ryans ear "i thought talking turtles would talk a lot slower, and maybe a little nicer." Ryan whispered back "clearly youve never been to Oklahoma" shane looked incredibly confused but ryan ignored him. 

"Mr turtle-" "thats sir turtle to you, i was knighted by Queen" the boys made eye contact, kissed a little, and then returned their attention to the turtle. He had a disgusted look on his tiny beared turtle face. "Freddie mercury never acted like you hooligans when we wete in turtle school together"   
Ryan squinted his eyes and said "now why would freddie mercrucy enroll in a turtle school." The tiny bearded turtle, sir turtlington the third squinted back. "Because he was an animorph you dumb cunt. Regardless, Jesus will be back soon, and I am dead. Youve fucked yourselves in the ass with matching pink chainsaws." 

Shane yeeted into the sky his words. "HEY JESUS,,,, COME BACK HERE"

Jeuss floated down on a cloud this time. "Yeah hey what's up" shane held up the turtle and said "does this turlte look alive to you" Jesus nodded and siad "why not, sure" and zapped them to the white house.

They crumpled on the ground like it hurt but it didnt because they are dead. The ghost turtle yelped in pain, as Ryan's huge gianagtic ghost donger was crushing the petite lil turtle. "Hey buddy!" He yelled. "Your ghost meat stick is squashing me" ryan looked straight into the camera, smirked  and then rolled off of the turtle. They were in the oval office, and Shane whistled. "This is a pretty nice room" he commented. Ryan chimed in "and no one is in here" the boys side eyed each other. "Well it is our three year wedding anniversary" he said and waggled his eyesbrows.

And so the boys did the do for a couple hours and the turtle watched, sipping an iced tea all the time. When the boys were done, and ryan had sufficiently stabbed shane in the neck with his ghost knife, a trap door opened above them, and through the door parachuted down, the man himself, Cory B Baxter. "my weenies" he greeted.   
"Welcome to my hizz house. Make yourselves at home, even though yallve already fucled 93 times on my new shag carpet. I'm not mad,,,, I just wish you'd invited me." Ryan yiped and hid behind shane a little, and painted an accusingly finger at cory b Bastard. "You fucked me til I died you nuttbuster" he yelled, shaking a little. Shane stroked ryan bitchboygara's ghost dick till he chilled.   
Ryan was still a little mad. "No means no, you commie bastard" and then karate chopped cory baxter in the neck. They heard an sickening cronch of his neck breaking, but then croy whipped his anti ghost ghost gun, and shot himself, bringing him back to life. The bois™ were astonishounded. 

"Shoot us!!" They exclimeatd. Cory drhuged his shoulders and obeyed, ,birnging the boys back to life, like in that one evanescemce song. Shane was ecstatic, he was alibe!!! He grabbed a wine bottle and broke it over Ryan "Icebergara right ahead" bergara bergara's head, to christening the new body, but ultimately murdering him once again.  
Instead of becoming a ghost, Ryan just returned to his demonic state and in anger bit a chunck of shanes jugular and ripped it out, killing shane, and returning him to ghosthood. "i don't know what i expected," said shane's disappointed ghost-ghost. 

The biys frowned at each other and cory riased his hands to calm them down. "Hey hey hey its fat albett, listen folks, you can live, but first you gotta stop dying." (Words to live by) ryan and Samantha side eye  d each other, and then eyed Corys huge package, before deciding to lick his fucking peener right there in the oval office, one ghost and one demon, tongues doing licking things, as you do, and ultimately the boys fucked cory b baxter. Ryan stabbed shane a couple times to get his fix and shane gently petted his face in retalitation.  
Ryan spoke first.

"I guess we're dead"  
"For now rebecca, for now"  
"What'd you just call me?"

Ebend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is hellspawn

**Author's Note:**

> You're welcome America. I know you reAlly needed this fic.


End file.
